MASH METHOD SCRIPTING!

So here is my script for the godaddy.com commerical that was not aired at the SuperBowl.
Here is the video:




ESTABLISHING SHOT WITH DANICA AND LOLA
CHEESY PIANO MUSIC
DANICA: Meet Lola

CLOSE UP ON FOOTBALL PORTRAIT
DANICA: The day he retired from football...
(Change to mid shot of Danica)
DANICA: Lola started chasing his biggest dream...

GROUP SHOT OF LOLA WITH MODELS
DANICA: A business of his own.

PAN LEFT, FOLLOWING DANICA WALKING, WITH A SLOW ZOOM
DANICA: Lola's first step? We built his website at GoDaddy.com

CLOSE UP ON LOLA'S FACE

MID SHOT OF DANICA AND LOLA
DANICA: And, with GoDaddy's easy to use "e-commerce" tools...
(Change to over the shoulder shot of Lola and computer screen)
DANICA: Lola was soon selling his own line to the world.

CLOSE UP ON LOLA
LOLA: WOOOO!

ESTABLISHING SHOT ON DANICA, WITH LOLA IN POOL IN BACKGROUND
DANICA: Lola dreams big, and who's to argue?

GODADDY LOGO
DANICA: See more now at GoDaddy.com